Insight 27th April 2015
Hello Dear Friends
This is a post about sadness and grief, but it's not to make you feel sad for me, it's more about taking a look at the way grief can present itself along the way.
It is 5 years since my beloved died today (Monday) - it is a strange thing to be where I currently Am in my thinking and in the grief I feel.
I have him by my side whenever I think of him and whenever I don't. He is happy, I am happy. These things I know – they sit in my heart. Here we are on a very happy day - I shared a coffee with him as you can see by the photo above :)
This is a post for those who have loved and lost – you may be absolutely ok 354 days of the year, I know I Am but on anniversaries, well you know, it's ok to dwell a little
I like to take the time to really look into myself with the intent of learning and of acknowledging what is going on deep inside.
I am writing this because, well you’d think after five years I’d be ‘ok’, I would have ‘moved on’ by now and have the ‘sads’ under control. But no, it's not always so.
But, as I reflect, I can see it changes with time, and for now, right in this moment, it is the grief of expectations. It's funny, when I analyse it - because that is what I do with these feelings, when I sense the grief, it seems to me to be layers upon layers of expectations. I clearly remember last year preparing to travel solo overseas and thinking, 'yes, I have this grief thing under control' but here I go again this year, and that's ok, it is perfect in fact.
I expected him to be with me, I expected to be financially well off, I expected to grow old with his loving being right there next to me. Expectations, rather than, I miss you so...... hmm different.
Today, it’s the loneliness when I am really not lonely; the unhappiness of the empty, when I am happy and full: It is feeling ‘poor’ when I am managing well.
My grief at this point in time is the opposites confronted. For that is what expectations are within the context of my grief, what I have is not what I expected. This year is about ‘me and the grief of the material things’ and it hurts.
I do feel guilty for being so sad at the things I am sad about - I have so much in reality, but the expectations are real and so I will pray for them, acknowledge them and not let them stop me from living this life! The guilt can just wash away as I wont wear it!
We hear of many who have this grief thing wrapped up within a year or so, hear them saying 'I have no time to grieve as I am always busy'.... and good on them for that
But today I wanted to tell anyone out there who feels a little like I do, that there is no time limit, that grief can come in fits and stages for a long time and it is far better to stop and say, 'I cannot find a reason for why I am feeling this way' than to ignore it and shove it down deeper.
Listen to it and then move on to action - don't sit and allow it to fester - no, go for a walk, write some words, pick some flowers, go to a cafe and listen in to the many conversations going on around you, walk in the grass barefooted.
Remember to seek help if you can't get past it, that's better than sinking :) There is no time limit and no set way......
The Way forward for me today is to acknowledge the expectations and tell myself all is well and know that I Am right :) I Am so grateful/greatful of the love I have, have had and the love I shall have.
Much love to you all, and thanks for taking a walk down the avenue of grief with me today...